I’m feeling really really nauseous and I’m scared that it’s going to be one of those nights again.
It’s been a difficult week. I’ve cried a lot, thrown up a lot, blacked out a lot, and cried some more. I started the week totally convinced that I was going to kick the bucket, but I think I’m gonna give it a little more time. I still feel this sadness inside me. It still hurts like crazy, but I think I’m gonna give it one more shot. I don’t know why I always doubt myself or why I always feel everyone hates me, but I felt love towards me from my best friend the other day and I’ve kinda been holding on to that. I kinda hate that I doubt the people closest to me and that I push people away when they get too close to me, but I have been through a lot in the past year and TJ has been with me for most of it. There was a period where I could have sworn that he was tired of me and truly hated me, but I’m starting to think it was all in my head. I think TJ actually cares about me. I’ve come to realize a lot of my friends are kind of phonies and they don’t mean what they say, but TJ does. I trust him. If he says he cares about me, then he must. I love that kid to death. I truly hope I get better, and I think I will as long as I have him as my best friend.
Last night, I had a bad night. I had one of those nights that the fact that I’m still here, is crazy. I waited until all my family was asleep and I went into the bathroom with my blades. I was determined to just go for it. I decided to start slow, though, and just cut myself a little before I went all the way but while I was cutting, I got anxious and nauseous so I ended up throwing up (for a couple minutes). By the time I finally ran out of things to throw up, I was so dizzy and disoriented, from all the throwing up and blood loss, that I actually ended up blacking out completely. I woke up just in time to hide and clean up before my dad saw anything. He did see I had thrown up and that I looked like shit so he thinks I’m “sick” but tbh I just really want to try again. Before everything, I texted my two best friends something. Like a good bye, basically. I did it really late so I could be sure they wouldn’t read it or call me to talk.. today, though, I noticed they didn’t even acknowledge them. At all. All day. Everyday, I tell myself that if I die, my friends wouldn’t care.. I hate that I was right. This kind of just gives me more the reason, to be honest. Maybe this is good. I always felt bad about dying because I thought it would affect people. It won’t.. so what’s the harm, you know?