I love it when a friend calls me. Even if it is just to talk about anything. I’m not totally sure why I feel so relieved and calm after a phone call but I guess it’s the fact that I feel somebody is with me. I’m not alone in that moment. Nights usually suck for me because I feel so lonely and I think too much and my judgement gets cloudy and I get really anxious, but after a phone call, I don’t feel so alone, I’m not thinking about myself, I am distracted, and I don’t feel anxious. After the call I feel “loved,” I guess. I just love phone calls, yeah.
Things got really bad last night. They actually haven’t been this bad in a long time. I tried to get a hold of my best friends during the day because I was scared of myself, but no one answered. It made me feel so shitty and scared because I always get worse at night. I didn’t hear from them at all and so last night, I had something in my hand and I locked myself in the bathroom and I kind of just sat there looking at it and my wrists for half an hour, just thinking how skinny my wrists are and also trying to think of reasons why not but I couldn’t think of any. It was 2:30am and I heard my phone ringing, and it was one of my best friends. I rejected the first call but I answered the second time. He had just seen my messages and called me right away. He told me that he didn’t care what I had in my hand, but that I needed to put it down. My hand was shaking really bad but I didn’t want to put it down. He kept saying “please just put it down” and I eventually gave in and dropped it. I couldn’t really speak because I couldn’t breathe so he kept telling me to relax and breathe and he kept repeating “I’m here” over and over again. Once I was able to get words out he asked me where I was and he asked me if I was able to walk to bed. I was dizzy and I didn’t really want to but he kept telling me to and kept repeating “I’m here” and eventually I got up, and found my bed. Right when I laid down, he asked me what I was seeing, and I said “nothing, it’s dark” and he said “good, I’m seeing the same exact thing as you, we’re both looking at the same thing. I’m here” and I started to breathe faster and my head was pumping and he kept asking “what are you feeling, tell me, breathe” and so I kept trying to breathe. He sat there in silence for about 20 minutes just making sure I was breathing. When I was able to breathe he told me to tell him what I was felling and so I tried explaining which made me kind of uneasy again and he said “I’m sorry I’m not good at this thing, but I need you to know I’m here and that I’m trying” and he kept trying to make me laugh which didn’t get any laughter out of me but I was able to breathe easier. He made me spill a lot of shit and he said “stop saying sorry, you’re not okay, you’re sick, and you’re going to get better” and I started crying because he’s the first person to say that I’m sick and that it isn’t my fault. I laid there in silence and so did he, and then I don’t know why I asked him this, but I did. I asked him “do you really not hate me?” and he said “Felipe, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m on the phone with you, making sure you’re okay and you’re asking if I hate you? Of course I don’t hate you” and I might be wrong but I think he kind of wanted to cry while saying that and I believed him. He cares about me. We laid there in silence for a long time and I actually, eventually, fell asleep. He kept me on the line until my battery died, but I was already sleeping. He texted me when I woke up to make sure I was okay. I really can’t explain what I’m feeling right now because it’s weird. You see, I don’t understand why someone would do that for me, but he did. He cared enough about me to stay on the phone with me for hours until 5am until he was sure I was safely in bed. I’m making this post just to be able to read and remind myself that someone cares about me enough to do that. I really hope everyone has a friend like this, or that you’re able to a friend for someone like he was to me. I don’t randomly feel great now, I still feel lousy, but I’m so thankful he called. Fuck. I’m so lucky to have a good friend and I’m glad I have this feeling to hold on to for what I hope is a while.
People don’t understand how much comedians/funny people mean to me. I can’t tell you how happy I get Saturday nights because of SNL, or how glad it makes me to end every single day with laughter because of Late Night, or how I cheered when Andy Samberg and Amy Poehler won Golden Globes, or begin to tell you how thrilled I was to find out that Jimmy Fallon is taking over The Tonight Show and that Seth Meyers is taking over Late Night, or how excited I was when Tina Fey won the Mark Twain award for comedy. These people, whether they know it or not, have gotten me through so much. The nights where I can’t breathe because my anxiety is taking over, Jimmy calms me down with his jokes, so that I can fall asleep. These are only a few of the people that I’m talking about. There are so many amazing and talented comedians out there who I could just sit and watch on YouTube for hours and I laugh and laugh and forget about how much I hate myself and all the suicidal thoughts fade for a little while. I am so proud of these people and they honestly mean everything to me. Their job is literally to make me laugh and to make me happy and I’m so thankful for that.
This can’t be real. Please tell me this is just some big fucking joke. I’m speechless My mom got home from work today with bad news. My cousin, who’s the same age as me, passed away this morning. He got hit by a car that was going really fast. I honestly can’t stop crying. I feel so lousy. I don’t believe it. It can’t be true. His birthday was last week and I forgot to say happy birthday. I fucking forgot to say happy birthday to him and now he’s gone. He’s fucking gone. Fuck I can’t stop crying. Please be a joke. Please be a fucking joke. Please wake me up. I can’t stop crying. I can’t breathe.
There’s honestly nothing worse than: messaging someone and just picturing them rolling their eyes when they see your name name pop up on the phone. To see someone in the hallways and not being sure if it’s okay to say hello or not. To have nobody answer your phone calls when you really need someone to talk to. To trust someone with all you’ve got and then find out that they talk behind your back. To hear people say that they can’t hangout with you because they’re busy, when in reality, they just rather hang out with someone else, someone better than you. To get a bunch of As in school but your parents only focus on the Bs and tell you that you could do better because you actually can’t do any fucking better. To want to talk to someone but not being able to because they don’t care. To love but not be loved back.
Today was tough. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. Where I actually wanted to cry all day. I had a couple people ask me “what’s wrong?” and I just said “I have a headache” because if I started talking, I would have just started crying like a little bitch. I still feel like crying but I have to wait until everyone is asleep so nobody hears me. I don’t think I can make it for that long, though. Please, make it stop. Someone please get these voices out my head.
I really want friends who want me around. I hate that they always plan things with each other and never think to invite me. It makes me feel like shit that they never think of me. I feel so unimportant to them, like they don’t want me around at all. I miss my friends a lot. I miss it when they used to find me interesting and when they used to think I was really funny. I just miss feeling loved. I miss it so much.
One of my best friends has been letting me call him every time I need to be distracted from my thoughts or when my anxiety gets too bad and my breathing begins to become difficult. It’s really cool because we kinda just talk on the phone for a couple hours, until he starts to fall asleep, about anything and that really calms me down. It’s really nice knowing that I have at least one person in my life that might actually care about me. I didn’t sleep last night because my thoughts were really bad, but right now I’m feeling calm. Maybe I’ll get some sleep tonight. I sure hope so.
I hear voices
“Nobody cares about you”
“Your parents don’t want you”
“Your friends don’t even like you”
“You don’t matter to anybody”
“Nobody fucking needs you here”
“Why the fuck are you still here”
“Do them a favor and let go”
“Please just fucking let go”
“Make it fucking stop”
“Just let go”
I can’t make them stop
My family doesn’t care. My best friend doesn’t care. I don’t really care. Writing helps, though. It would be better to be able to vent and tell someone I care about all of this, but they really don’t want to hear it. That’s the problem with me. I love and care for people who could care less about me, and even though I know that, I keep trying with them. I can’t just let them go, you know? I love them. Worst part is, they could ignore me for days, and say one single thing, and I forgive them. I know I’m being used and I know they don’t really care about me, but they’re all I have.Fuck, I wish I didn’t feel anything because it’s getting out of hand. I’m afraid of the thoughts that fill my head all day. Fuck.