Last night, I had a bad night. I had one of those nights that the fact that I’m still here, is crazy. I waited until all my family was asleep and I went into the bathroom with my blades. I was determined to just go for it. I decided to start slow, though, and just cut myself a little before I went all the way but while I was cutting, I got anxious and nauseous so I ended up throwing up (for a couple minutes). By the time I finally ran out of things to throw up, I was so dizzy and disoriented, from all the throwing up and blood loss, that I actually ended up blacking out completely. I woke up just in time to hide and clean up before my dad saw anything. He did see I had thrown up and that I looked like shit so he thinks I’m “sick” but tbh I just really want to try again. Before everything, I texted my two best friends something. Like a good bye, basically. I did it really late so I could be sure they wouldn’t read it or call me to talk.. today, though, I noticed they didn’t even acknowledge them. At all. All day. Everyday, I tell myself that if I die, my friends wouldn’t care.. I hate that I was right. This kind of just gives me more the reason, to be honest. Maybe this is good. I always felt bad about dying because I thought it would affect people. It won’t.. so what’s the harm, you know?

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I really just wanna get home so I can do it already

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x 4018
I need a friend like this tbh

first thing I do when I get home: cry

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I’m trying to act okay and happy in front of my friends so they don’t start asking questions. I want to cry all day and I want to hug my best friend and talk to him, but I can’t. I have to just keep it up until I finally let go. Soon. Real soon.

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I tried to do it last night but I got really dizzy and I blacked out before I could do anything. Why am I still here? Fuck

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x 15622

I can’t believe this I’m fucking shaking I need my best friend shit why is he in another town fuck I keep throwing up I can’t stop shaking shit please someone answer your phone shit

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I wish my friends would answer me; I really need them right now. I can’t stop thinking about it, and the urge is so strong. Why won’t anybody pick up? Fuck, please pick up.

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I found my blades. I haven’t used them yet, but I found them. They’re just there, under my pillow, and I can’t stop thinking about them. I’m kinda afraid of going to sleep. That’s when I’m alone. That’s when I have no self-control. Shit, I can’t stop thinking about them.

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It’s not that I want to die, it’s just I don’t really want to live anymore.

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from J

The thing is about all those texts, is that they’re from last year. So they kind of make me sad seeing how much things have changed. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I guess I’ll keep trying, though.

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from TJ
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from TJ